We don't need jobs, we need joy

Orange vested kayak lady exemplifies the spirit of adventure that Americans will rally behind in the 2017 coup d'etat. Wild spats of good measure, leisurely pursuits, and a robot economy will guide the new American way of life.

It’s a sad time to be an American. You can’t vote for Obama in the next election if you look at the financial advisers he has appointed, the laundry list of promises he has yet to fulfill, or his overall cowardice in addressing a domestic energy plan. You can’t vote for Perry or Romney because their austerity measures will erode our already diminished tax base, resulting from Dubya’s tax cuts. 

Our nation’s staring down a 100 percent debt to GDP ratio, and both the liberal and conservative camps want to cut waste…I say cut it all. Let’s shake up the whole melting pot! They’re having some serious fun over there in Libya. You know, if we didn’t have to worry about fluffing up our resumes for jobs we don’t actually want by supporting an economy that’s chomping through mother nature, we could all live life well.

The UK’s got a wind turbine project in the works that will provide energy to over 700,000 homes. Think of how many tiki huts in Hawaii, dude ranches in Texas, or split-levels in Seattle we could energize with renewable energy. We could take all of our soon to be double-dip-recession-jobless-folk and turn them into the avant-green: heroes that use their brawn to create a new carbon free economy. As a glory perk, they will earn a share of renewable energy they’ve created with their labor power.  

Anyway, Obama’s going to lose the upcoming election because he’s trying to create jobs. Everyone knows that leisurely pursuits are far more fun and interesting than work, especially in this day and age. Who wants to work, when robots could be manning all of the mundane levers of society? What kid wants, or what parent wants to send their kid to a crummy city public school, when they could stream a top-tier education off the internet for free? 

We don’t need jobs we need exciting vacations, pursuits that push us to the limits of our mental faculties and physical capabilities. We don’t need to hump part-time or deplorable jobs for decent statistical standing. We need good people to stand behind good values, and we need a whole load of fun. Life is too short to spend slaving away in jobs yielding marginal personal growth or conquest. As a fulltime AmeriCorps “volunteer,” fully charged by draining your tax dollars, I will be running for benevolent eco-fascist in the wildly exciting 2017 coup d’etat. 

At gunpoint my Green Berets will force you to build solar, wind, and geothermal installations. With weapons pressed to your backs we will make you build a nationwide fiber optic infrastructure. You will be forced to have internet in your home. You will have to take free classes. You will pay for your greenhouse gas emissions and I will sneer and laugh diabolically as you suffer. 

Okay, time to study for the GRE, because I’ll need a master’s degree to find part-time work. Unfortunately, the robots and green energy needed for my subsistence do not yet exist and I must work.

Until 2017!